Friday, October 28, 2005

This shirt is not stripey enough...

I'm not sure if any of y'all read Mark Morford's stuff, since he is a columnist for the SF Chronical, but it's usually pretty funny and informative. He has a very liberal stance and a flamboant writing style that forces you to pull out the dictionary to figure out some of the vocabulary, sort of like reading emails from Enak.

Today's is no acception and outlines the perfect gift for your favorite Park City resident.....

There I was, innocently poking around on some discount fragrance Web sites and trying to find a bargain on a couple of my fave designer colognes which I rarely wear but which I still get into now and then, and also following up on the odd news (as reported to me by the saleswoman at Neiman-Marcus) that all of Helmut Lang's brilliant men's fragrances were now discontinued in the States, to which I could only reply, in my most mature and scent-loving tones, you know, WTF?

So, I was researching. Not procrastinating or wasting time in the slightest. Sephora.com and perfumespot.com and FragranceNet.com and the like. Innocent, harmless surfing. I swear.

Then, like a shark attack, it happened.

I saw it. It stabbed at my eyeballs like a bad dream, scraped my soul like a toxic Shania Twain CD. No no no, said my tormented spirit, this has got to be a joke. Is this a joke? Someone tell me this is a joke.

Did you already know? Hummer has a cologne. Check that, Hummer has two colognes, Hummer and Hummer H2, because apparently the first one was such a runaway success given how some men apparently can't get enough of smelling like road salts and petroleum byproducts and horrible handling and massive unchecked ego. I'm just guessing.

All of which might make you say, wait, what? Hummer? Hummer as in those obnoxious pseudo-trucks driven mostly by giddy baseball-hatted troglodytes and their timorous wives who wouldn't know a subtle, classy vehicle if they crushed it under their enormous knobby tires? Hummer the bloated poster child for everything that's wrong with America's attitude toward life and the planet and the environment plus they're just ungodly ugly and by the way if you haven't visited FUH2.com by now you really, really should? That Hummer?

Why, yes. Exactly that Hummer. What's more, the product line extends beyond the two branded colognes into a nice Hummer underarm deodorant. Because nothing says "armpit freshness" like a massive SUV with the aesthetics of a brick on steroids.

It's cute, in a smash-your-head-with-a-rock, I-hate-breathing sort of way. Cute the way the marketing copy for the Hummer fragrance suggests rugged adventurousness, a manly outdoorsy off-road hunkiness in which not a single solitary Hummer owner actually partakes, in which "the smooth richness of tonka bean acts as the 'axle' that links and balances the fresh and warm notes, creating an olfactory sensation that can only be Hummer™."

Full story here

I wonder WWBJD?

posted by the jesus @ 6:42 AM